Finding Peace
by orientalsoup
Summary: Even he could not think of forgiving himself, so how could the universe do the same? He was so alone. So very alone.


**Finding Peace**

The TARDIS landed with a thud, and the Doctor's arms scrambled to find the console. After regaining his balance, he pulled the monitor over to get a better look at the surroundings; he didn't know where he landed anymore. For the past decade or so, he kept the TARDIS settings on random, knowing that danger would always come and find him. Since the Time War, all he did was save planets and civilizations; he convinced himself that doing this for eternity would somewhat compensate for destroying Gallifrey and the Time Lords. But, at the end of the day, even he could not think of forgiving himself, so how could the universe do the same?

He was so alone. So very alone.

But it was part of his own sick, self-prescribed punishment that kept him this way. It was tearing him apart, little by little. Guilt chipped away at his being every hour, every second, every turn of the ground under his feet. Deep in his hearts of hearts he knew that no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many people he saved, he would never be able to forgive himself. Yet, he still marched on from planet to planet, searching for some sort of…peace.

* * *

Oh, _Rose_. Rose Tyler.

Somehow - he didn't know how - Rose Tyler got under his hard exterior and found her way into his heart. Never before had he felt so _human_. For the first time in decades, he wasn't alone.

Rose was brave, young, and curious, and she knew nothing of the universe around her. He was dangerous, old, and wise, and he could show her all of time and space. It was a perfect match, as if they had just been waiting for the other to turn up. She took well to the life of traveling - she even got all dressed up for 19th century England. He couldn't help by think like it was…

No, it couldn't be that. He of all people should know that destiny didn't exist.

It didn't.

* * *

The Doctor watched in horror as Rose stood in front of the TARDIS, glowing as bright as the sun. All the wanted to do was hold her and fix her; he wanted _his_ Rose back, safe and sound. However, he was beside himself in shock. How was she not burning up? No human can take the heart of the TARDIS without an immediate, painful death. Plus, she had come back to save him. Save _him_. He couldn't remember the last time someone had sacrificed everything for him.

His Rose was something else.

She had done a number on him, too. His hearts were beating rapidly and heavily in his chest - not out of fear (he did not get scared very easily anymore) but out of…something else. Some other feeling he could not place. It felt warm and familiar, but he was not really sure what it was. He looked up at Rose, panicking at the sight of her, and then he realized what the feeling was - love. Real, honest, true love. It was so long gone that it was almost alien to him. Luckily, Rose had found her way to him and made sure his hearts did not waste away. When he realized this, he made a decision.

He was not going to let her sacrifice be in vain. He was not going to let her die. No more dying today.

"I can see everything," she sobbed. "All that is, all that was, all that ever could be."

Determined, he jumped up to his feet. "But that's what_ I _see, all the time. And doesn't it drive you mad?"

The tears were streaming down her face more abundantly. Her cheeks were soaked. "My head…" she moaned.

"Come here," he said, taking her hand in his and pulling her towards him. His hearts broke as he looked into her pained face. But…it wasn't really her. It was the TARDIS taking over her body. His hearts hurt even more at that realization.

"It's killing me," she sobbed.

With that sentence, he was all hers; his sacrifice would be worth it. _She_ was worth it. He didn't even have to think before he said, "I think you need a doctor." He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. She was soft and warm and gentle. However, he only got to enjoy it for half a second before the heart of the TARDIS went into him. He felt her power sizzling all his cells, charging him up just to shut him down. He was like a bomb waiting to explode.

But she was safe, and that's all that mattered.

* * *

"I'm very cross with you."

The Doctor wiggled out from under the console. Peering at her through his brainy specs, he asked, "What?"

She sighed in resignation and threw herself onto the jump seat. "Don't you know I'm cross with you?" Instead of sounding angry, she just sounded…sad.

Sad was something the Doctor understood. How she came to be sad, though, he had yet to figure out.

Rose had been very complicated lately. After his regeneration, he feared that he would lose her and he'd go back to his dark path of self-pity. When she agreed to stay, he was ecstatic; he wanted to take her anywhere and everywhere. They would gallivant across the stars forever, just the two of them, like they used to. But since Mickey the Idiot called them to check out that school, she had become somewhat irritated. Her vexation grew more intense, though controlled, when Mickey decided to tag along. Even worse, though, was their run-in with Madame Pompadour; she seemed almost hesitant to help her. However, he had ignored all these signs because he didn't think too much of them at the time; besides, there were more pressing matters like saving the world. But now, with her sitting there so upset, his mind had gone back and retrieved all the warnings he missed.

He looked up at her, and she stared back at him, waiting for an answer. "Well?" she said.

He turned his attention back to the bottom of the console, though he kept himself very visible to her. "I…I…" He stammered, unable to find the right words. Teaching Einstein the Theory of Relativity was easier than this!

Sighing, he climbed out from under the controls and walked over to her. He figured it would be best to talk to her face to face, lest he anger her more. "I suppose I haven't been paying you the attention you deserve."

"Deserve?" she said quietly, almost in awe. "I don't…I don't _deserve_ attention. I get enough from you. It's just…" She sighed. "Never mind. It's stupid." She stood, walking away. "I shouldn't've -"

Impulsively, the Doctor grabbed her wrist. Now that he had her attention, he was at a loss for words again. He always had words, though. Why was this so hard?

"I…I thought I was the first," she said. Her eyes brimmed with tears, but she quickly blinked them away. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink, the way they did when she was embarrassed, and he tugged her closer to him.

"It's so silly," she continued, sitting beside him in the chair. She sniffled and laughed in spite of herself. "You're over nine hundred years old -"

"Nine hundred and two," he said.

She smiled at him, her eyes brightening. "You're over nine hundred years old. I should've known I wasn't the first girl to be fascinated by the stars."

_You're the most important one, though_, he wanted to say.

"I mean, you tell a girl that you can show her her wildest dreams. Of course all these girls would want to travel with you," she said.

"I've had men on this ship!" he said indignantly. "Jack traveled with us!"

She smiled at the memory of the three of them in the TARDIS. "Not very long, though."

He sighed. "Mickey's on the ship right now."

"That's only two."

"There was one named Jamie McCrimmon. Great bloke. Scottish."

Rose laughed.

"The TARDIS is the one leading me to the girls," he said. "She needs another female to do her bidding since I won't."

The ship lurched mid-flight as if saying, "I resent that!"

Rose lost her balance and her arms flailed, trying to steady herself. Her hands landed on the Doctor's shoulders, but he was in mid-collapse. Rose, unable to balance both of them, felt her feet fly out from under her, and she crashed on top of the Doctor, who was already a messy heap of limbs and pinstripes on the floor.

Eyes shut tight, the Doctor groaned in displeasure and pinched the bridge of his nose as he sat up. He opened his eyes and his eyebrows shot up as he realized Rose was sprawled out on his lap; she was moaning and rubbing her hand, which had landed on a loose screw on the floor.

"Let me see that," the Doctor said, adjusting his skewed glasses. Before she could protest, he grabbed her hand and inspected it. He then saw the cut on the side of her hand, a scrape running from the middle of her palm to the top of her wrist. It wasn't too bad, but there was a little bit of blood oozing out. "Hold it up just like that," he ordered, "and don't move." Rose obeyed, and the Doctor starting undoing his tie.

Her eyes widened and she lowered her hand. "Oh, no, Doctor -"

"Up!" he demanded, moving her hand back to its original spot. "What did I tell you, Rose Tyler?" Her name rolled off his tongue so easily and beautifully; she laughed and did as he said.

"It's your favourite tie," she said as he wrapped it over her wound.

"I have hundreds more," he replied off-handedly. "Thousands." He knotted it on the back of her hand and smiled, pleased with his work. "There."

She smiled at him. "Thank you."

He ran his fingers through his unruly hair, making it stick up in odd places. "You're welcome."

Her domestic instincts kicking in, Rose reached over with her left hand - her good hand - and smoothed his hair down into a style that she liked. As she did this, his eyes never left her face; he stared at her almost hungrily and dazedly, as if he could not believe that she was right in front of him. Rose blushed slightly; he had never looked at her that way before. She had seen that look on him when he looked at other girls, but he had never given it to her. Perhaps it had to do something with touching his hair. They were just mates.

Unwittingly, Rose leaned in closer to the Doctor. She could hear his even breaths and the rhythmic beating of his two hearts. She drew closer and closer; he smelled like metal and grass and hair gel. Her lips parted slightly and she was trembling. Her hand slid down from his hair to the back of his ear then the side of his face. She spread her fingers over his slightly rough cheek - he was sporting a bit of stubble because he hadn't shaved yet - and she pressed her lips against his temple.

The Doctor gasped, shocked at her intimacy, then closed his eyes and pressed his face into the warm crook of her neck. He turned his head slightly, his lips grazing her soft skin. Pulling her closer to him, he kissed her neck lovingly. _I'm a fool_, he thought. After all this time, his love for her was real and mutual. Despite everything he had done that had made her so cross, she still loved him. Why did he run after Madame Pompadour when Rose was just right here, right by his side?

"I…" he whispered, enjoying the feeling of her hands in his hair. She inched even closer to him so that she was now sitting on his lap. "I…I think I love you."

Rose's lips trailed down his cheek and met his mouth. She pulled back for a moment to catch her breath then she said with a chuckle, "I think I love you, too."

The Doctor exhaled as if he had been holding his breath for decades - perhaps he had. As his lungs filled with fresh, crisp air and Rose's lips tickled his neck, his face broke out into a wide grin, the widest grin he'd had in a long time. And, finally, he felt at peace with himself.


End file.
